"Only perfect practice makes perfect."

The quest for perfection is not about never making mistakes, or always choosing the right thing. It is more about becoming whole and complete. It is about becoming the woman I want to be. It is about looking at the person I am now and seeing how I can become better. And that's the key word for me: better.

My issue with perfection comes into play here. I look at all the things I love and in many cases see a "better" choice. The question is not “Can I do this and still be a good person?” but rather “Does doing this make me a better person?”

And that's where I stall. There are tons of things that I enjoy, and part of me is defined by them. If I give them up to become “better,” am I giving up too much? Am I giving up a part of me? Right now, I am not willing to do that. And a part of me knows that's okay, life is a refining process. I'm not supposed to become perfect all at once.

But... why the heck not? Why shouldn't I be perfect all at once? If I already know who the ideal me is, why shouldn't I become her now? Why am I not strong enough to throw off the things holding me back?

That's why I think I get frustrated sometimes. The things that I want right now do not mesh with my idealized best self. I should not want to cling to my vices so tightly, but I do. I like them. They define me. And until I am willing to give them up, I cannot be perfect.

And I don't know how to resolve that internal tension.



p.s.: In trying to brainstorm this out, I made a bunch of images to help me visualize what I thought perfection was. They kind of contradict each other, as I was arguing back and forth with myself. A lot of it had to do with deciding if perfection was a binary state. I'm not really going to explain them, but I figured I would add them on the end for funsies.