My Fifty-eighth Post

I don’t know why I’m dwelling on this particular series of events from last semester instead of contemplating the present. And yet, here it is: a long, rambling, uninteresting narrative I felt inspired to write:

So last September, I had a chance for a promotion at work. Two of my co-workers (Drazi and Closer) were also qualified for this position. The three of us are usually good friends, but since only one of us could get the promotion, it created a little bit of awkward competition. Anyone of us would have been able to handle the new responsibility well, so it was really a matter of who my manager liked/trusted the most.

Now Drazi was at a slight disadvantage here: she was the last one to be hired (even though we’ve all worked there long enough that a few months really doesn’t make a difference in our job performance), and Closer and I had already expressed our interest in the job before she realized she might want it. She’s a generally good-natured person, so she conceded that we had “first claim,” and decided not to actively pursue the position.

For me, her decision created a lot of frustration and guilt. On the one hand, I knew something about her financial situation, and I knew she could use the extra money. On the other hand, there were other possibilities open to her if she didn’t get the promotion (she was actually trying to get a job from a place she had worked before, and was waiting to see if her old position would become available again). But in my mind, it all came down to the fact that there was absolutely no reason why she didn’t deserve the promotion. I felt really guilty for not encouraging her to go for it, but I couldn’t logically create more competition for myself. Actually, I said (and even meant) the nice, selfless, encouraging things to her at first, but I was happy that she decided not to pursue the promotion. I think my relieved reaction when she told me sabotaged my later half-hearted encouraging remarks.

Anyway. Closer was another case altogether. It was hard to keep up with him, because he was constantly pointing out his own achievements, while I am more comfortable just letting my actions to speak for themselves. I did eventually resort to blowing my own horn more than I would have liked. I faithfully attended a million mini-meetings Closer suggested to “discuss work issues,” and I even initiated a few meetings myself. The whole situation was quite an ordeal for me, especially considering my extreme dislike for appearing any sort of arrogant.

I worked so hard to prove that I was qualified that it was really a let down when my manager decided not to promote anyone. He was under pressure to make budget cuts or some such nonsense. So the whole promotion drama faded, and we all got over our selves. The sad thing is, I don’t have anything to show for my selfish attitude. I could have made the choice to be a better friend to Drazi, and everything would have turned out exactly the same. Except maybe I would have been a bit closer to being the kind of person I want to be.

I really need to get working on that.

Actually, during my freshman year I did come up with three life long goals I wanted to work on. I just know that if I could be consistent with any of them, I would be so much happier than I am. But for now, I’m just going to have to celebrate the small victories.

My Lifelong Goals:
1) Study the Book of Mormon daily and pray in order to help me to be ready for missionary opportunities
2) Improve myself spiritually and personally in order to become the woman I want to be.
3) Improve myself physically in order to show appreciation to my Heavenly Father for my body.