My Fourth Post

Today is Monday, and I'm screwed. Remember those two essays I had to write? Well, I didn't do one of them. The plan was to do it over the weekend and then turning it in for reduced credit. But I didn't end up doing it. Stupid me. Now I can't miss anything in that class. I might not even be able to get an A anymore. So much for that. But, I won't give up. Not I, I am willing to go the distance. Or at least I'm willing to try. It upsets me.

Yesterday was Sunday again. I felt an overwhelming sense of unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life. I don't know where that's coming from, really. I've evaluated all of the aspects of my life, and it's really not that bad. In fact, it's good. Yet, I feel slightly depressed about life. I'm going to blame H. Maybe I've been spending too much time around her. She is never satisfied with life. It seems that she's constantly upset about something, and trying to let me know exactly how sad her life is. You know, I don't mind if she wants to express her feelings and thoughts to me. I'm okay with that. I don't want her to bottle up all her woes and have an enormous case of self-pity. She's allowed to bring things up. But I wish she would express them more directly. For example, she might want to talk about how her past boyfriend treated her badly. Okay, fine, we can talk about that. But a lot of the time, she just wants to talk so she can dwell on bad experiences. That's not going to help her, and it's going to drive me nuts until I just don't want to talk with her anymore. So maybe I was lying when I said I wanted her to express herself. I don't know. I wish I were a better friend.

Last night, we were doing some homework together, and I was, as previously explained, in a rather despondent mood. We look at the first problem, and she says: "I don't know how to do this. (a few minutes pass…) I really don't know what to do. (another minute…) Do you know what to do? (...) What are you doing?" I just wanted to scream at her! During this whole conversation, I was flipping through the book trying to find some hint of how to solve the problem, and I was finding nothing. Naturally, this was frustrating to me. Put that together with my bad attitude, and the fact that I didn't want to be doing homework. I was inexplicably pissed at H. I'm sorry, dear. I'm trying to be better, but it takes a long time to change.

I had breakfast with A, T, J and B last Saturday. M decided not to come. B thinks it was a good decision, and I think I agree. T is now engaged. Funny, because she was the last one any of us though would get married. J was as J-like as ever. She couldn’t stop talking about all the boys she's dating. She even told us that she's not accepting first dates this month. Return customers only, I guess. It was a good experience, I guess. I wish I could just love those girls without holding back, but I really can't think of them without thinking about what we put each other through.

Why am I not dating? I have even been putting some extra effort into putting myself "out there," but no takers as of yet. Maybe it's just as well. I doubt I could handle the time and emotional requirements.