My Second Post

Today is Sunday. For some reason, I have never really enjoyed Sundays here in Provo. I probably feel this way because I have had very few “good” ones to balance out all the blazè ones. Or maybe it’s because of the spiritual digression that I feel I have gone through since coming to BYU. The basic idea would be that I don’t like church as much; therefore, I don’t like Sunday as much. That’s a thought I don’t like to admit very often. If I admit that I’m not as spiritual as I was in high school, then I’m admitting that I have digressed. I don’t like to digress. Why did I work so hard to be good and build up a testimony if I can’t benefit from it now? I thought the idea was that you work hard to build up strength so that it will be there when you’re tested. Maybe I just got so complacent in having my testimony that it leaked away while I wasn’t looking? I’m not saying that I’m a bad person or anything. I believe in the gospel, I do my calling, I go to church and meetings and everything, but I do very little on the personal side of it. I know I should have personal prayer and scripture study, but honestly, 90% of the time I just forget. And that makes me feel bad when I remember how often I forget. I like to hide all of this away underneath a mask of stalwart strength. Which makes it hard to explain to my roommates why I’m so moody on Sundays. I guess I just have to work toward building up my testimony again… but the big question is whether taking my mask off will help the process or just make me unnecessarily exposed. Is it wrong to fake it ‘til you make it? I hope not, ‘cause that’s my current plan.