my sixty-fourth post

i have so much to do and yet i do nothing because i’m afraid to leave the security of my nothingness

My Sixty-third Post

A sample of free-writing I scrawled out during my class today. If only I can live up to the ideals expressed within:

If I am dissatisfied with my life, it’s because I am not living it to its full potential. If there are things I want for my future, I have to start living in such a way that I can achieve them. I can’t expect to get what I want and then start living worthily of it. I have to change now. I have to live in such a way that I do not become an obstacle to my own goals and desires. I can’t imagine some of the things I am doing today being a part of my ideal future life. I need to eliminate those things and replace them with habits that will help me to be worthy of my desires. I must listen to the people around me who are trying to impart their wisdom to me. They can give me hints to the secret of life, and if I listen to them, it will be to my benefit. Life will be what I choose it to be. I will choose to be good and love those around me. I make choices everyday. I won’t indulge in those feelings and thoughts that make me dissatisfied. I will choose hope. I will choose happiness. When unexpected things happen, I will choose to make them a part of my plan to achieve happiness. This is where wisdom truly lies.

My Sixty-second Post

Wow, that was the most amazing bagel I have ever eaten. I wonder if I will ever again be able to enjoy such a scrumptious bagel. Oh wait. I made that bagel! I can make more whenever I want!

I love my new cookbook.

Also, as a side note, I think my sense of humor might be morphing. I used to laugh at something simply because there was absolutely no humor in it, thus making it funny. Now, though, I’m starting to see the humor in everything… and that’s what makes it funny. Don’t worry if you don’t understand; you won’t be tested on this.

My Sixty-first Post

This post is a thinly veiled excuse to share a witty conversation.

So my new favorite thing is to pretend to take people literally when they use hyperboles. For example, krebscout had a get together at our apartment last night. When she told me about it, she basically said, “Party tonight, tell everyone.”

Later, this conversation took place:

krebscout: Hey, did I tell you about the party tonight?
Me: Yes, you told me to tell everyone.
krebscout: Oh good. Did you tell them?
Me: Yes. They’re all coming.
krebscout: Oh dear, we won’t have enough bathrooms!

I think it’s funny that the biggest concern she had about inviting everyone to our apartment was that there would be insufficient bathroom facilities.

Also:
krebscout: Do we have everything?
Me: Well, not everything. Where would we put it all?

My Sixtieth Post

So sometimes I have conversations with myself. One of the more common ones is the guilt-conversation. It usually goes something like this:

Me: You’re a bad person.
Me: Yeah. I can’t believe I just did that.
Me: How are you ever going to respect yourself if you keep up this sort of behavior?
Me: You’re right. I really need to work on improving myself.
Me: That’s right, let’s talk about all the things that are wrong with you…

So I was sitting here tonight, just sort of staring off into space, when my brain kicked in and started having a conversation on autopilot. It went like this:

Me: You’re a bad person.
Me: Yeah, you’re right… Wait. What? Why am I a bad person?
Me: You know… because, um… you’re behind in school.
Me: No, I’m not. The semester just started. You’re thinking of last semester.
Me: Well… you were a jerk to somebody earlier today.
Me: That’s not true. I was really nice to everybody today.
Me: Um…
…
Oh! I know! You slept until noon! That’s why you’re a bad person.
Me: Hm. That’s true. I can’t believe I slept for so long today.
Me: That’s right, you could have spent that time doing something productive. Like… like reading your scriptures! When was the last time you did that? Huh?
Me: Oh yeah. I kind of stopped after my whole reading binge in December. I should be doing that more consistently.
Me: Yeah, you should. You know what else you should be doing more consistently? Calling your grandparents. You only talk to them a couple of times a year. Don’t you think they want to hear from you on occasion? They’re not going to be around forever…

I really need to find the off switch in my brain when those conversations start. I can always come up with something I’m not doing right. Always.

Now I’m depressed.

My Fifty-ninth Post

OH MY HECK*, MY CLASSES ARE AWESOME!

Class #1: The class looks good, but the real reason it is awesome is that krebscout is taking it with me. Sweet!

aside: The other day, I was in my room, and krebscout was in the living room. She was feeling especially lazy, I guess, so instead of coming to my room or even calling out to me, she called me on my (recently acquired) cell phone. Now it just so happens that my cell phone was in the pocket of my coat which was in the living room, and I could not hear it. But did krebscout give up? No, she did not. She repeatedly called my cell phone until I finally heard it and raced to answer it. Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was krebscout calling, and that I had six missed calls. I don’t know what I’m going to do with that girl. Sheesh.

Class #2: This is actually the class I’m most worried about because it’s one of my major’s intensive writing classes. I am actually excited about a couple of ideas I came up with for my research in this class, though. I’ll have to wait a few weeks to be sure, but I think this class might have AWESOME! potential.

Class #3: This class is what every class in college should be. It is thirteen students sitting around in a circle discussing things and throwing out ideas, with an absolutely amazing professor to moderate. I was surprised at how much writing this class will actually require, but I’m willing to do it just for the experience of this class. It’s awesome. Just… awesome!

Class #4: This class is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. I took a similar class last semester and I thoroughly enjoyed it; this is the advanced version of that class. The thing is, it’s quite a time commitment and it has nothing to do with my major. I signed up for it anyway, and I’m so glad that I did. I went to class today, and it’s everything I could imagine. Even the papers and big assignments sound really awesome. Yes, yes, yes. I almost wanted to change my major.

Class #5: Actually, I have not yet attended this class, but I have very high hopes for it. It’s an awesome subject that I think will be very helpful to me. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

* I have never said this aloud in real life.

My Fifty-eighth Post

I don’t know why I’m dwelling on this particular series of events from last semester instead of contemplating the present. And yet, here it is: a long, rambling, uninteresting narrative I felt inspired to write:

So last September, I had a chance for a promotion at work. Two of my co-workers (Drazi and Closer) were also qualified for this position. The three of us are usually good friends, but since only one of us could get the promotion, it created a little bit of awkward competition. Anyone of us would have been able to handle the new responsibility well, so it was really a matter of who my manager liked/trusted the most.

Now Drazi was at a slight disadvantage here: she was the last one to be hired (even though we’ve all worked there long enough that a few months really doesn’t make a difference in our job performance), and Closer and I had already expressed our interest in the job before she realized she might want it. She’s a generally good-natured person, so she conceded that we had “first claim,” and decided not to actively pursue the position.

For me, her decision created a lot of frustration and guilt. On the one hand, I knew something about her financial situation, and I knew she could use the extra money. On the other hand, there were other possibilities open to her if she didn’t get the promotion (she was actually trying to get a job from a place she had worked before, and was waiting to see if her old position would become available again). But in my mind, it all came down to the fact that there was absolutely no reason why she didn’t deserve the promotion. I felt really guilty for not encouraging her to go for it, but I couldn’t logically create more competition for myself. Actually, I said (and even meant) the nice, selfless, encouraging things to her at first, but I was happy that she decided not to pursue the promotion. I think my relieved reaction when she told me sabotaged my later half-hearted encouraging remarks.

Anyway. Closer was another case altogether. It was hard to keep up with him, because he was constantly pointing out his own achievements, while I am more comfortable just letting my actions to speak for themselves. I did eventually resort to blowing my own horn more than I would have liked. I faithfully attended a million mini-meetings Closer suggested to “discuss work issues,” and I even initiated a few meetings myself. The whole situation was quite an ordeal for me, especially considering my extreme dislike for appearing any sort of arrogant.

I worked so hard to prove that I was qualified that it was really a let down when my manager decided not to promote anyone. He was under pressure to make budget cuts or some such nonsense. So the whole promotion drama faded, and we all got over our selves. The sad thing is, I don’t have anything to show for my selfish attitude. I could have made the choice to be a better friend to Drazi, and everything would have turned out exactly the same. Except maybe I would have been a bit closer to being the kind of person I want to be.

I really need to get working on that.

Actually, during my freshman year I did come up with three life long goals I wanted to work on. I just know that if I could be consistent with any of them, I would be so much happier than I am. But for now, I’m just going to have to celebrate the small victories.

My Lifelong Goals:
1) Study the Book of Mormon daily and pray in order to help me to be ready for missionary opportunities
2) Improve myself spiritually and personally in order to become the woman I want to be.
3) Improve myself physically in order to show appreciation to my Heavenly Father for my body.

My Fifty-seventh Post

There’s nothing more frightening than being in a room when the light bulb burns out.

Except maybe if someone sneaks up behind you and pops a balloon at the exact same time the light bulb burns out.

That would be terrifying.

Actually, my biggest fear is breaking my ankle.

Seriously… I have a penchant for impractical shoes, so this isn’t exactly irrational. I mean, can you imagine how terrified and helpless you would feel?

I can.

My Fifty-sixth Post

My grades for last semester, in order of how important the class was:

C
A-
B
B
A

So. Yeah, the C really sucks, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about that. I really don't want to retake the class, though.

Since the computer is in constant demand at my house right now, I'm finding it hard to find time to type up my thoughts. I have hand-written several pages of them though, and I might find time to type them up later. We'll see.

My Fifty-fifth Post

Three things that can make me happy even when I’ve spent 14 hours in an airport:

(1) The unexpected joke the security guy made when he looked at my boarding pass
(2) The guy at Quiznos noticing I was having a bad day
(3) The man sitting across from me who kept pretending he didn’t know his wife and kept introducing himself to her.

So, other than the flight home, my winter vacation has been wonderful so far. My family’s annual Monopoly Championship of the world was held on Christmas Eve. I won last year (which was a miracle—I’m really bad at that game), so I was in charge of the prize for this year. My sister, Sundevil, won my carefully chosen prize of a Suduko-a-day calendar. My little brother, Runner, went bankrupt first and got his name on the “loser-y” trophy for the third year running. He was trying to lose, though, so I don’t feel sorry for him. I think it’s funny that we don’t really keep track of the winner—just the “loser.” That, and the fact that our trophy is a small length of 2x4 with green army men nailed to it.

Speaking of board games, I played my first official game of Scrabble this week. My sisters and I (all of us were in town!) were looking for something to do, and my new sister-in-law (Sil) suggested Scrabble. Now, my family has never really been into Scrabble and none of us really knew how to play except Sil, so it was an interesting game. I got very frustrated when I had the most perfectly placed, high scoring word in the entire game, but it was disqualified for being a proper noun. Who says Syria’s not in the dictionary? But it was good fun anyway.

Heh. Being around my family during the holidays makes everything seem hilarious. Let me share a few stories to illustrate my point. Let me start by saying that Sundevil and I share a fondness for zebras, dating back to a strange inside joke from our teen years. Over time, we have continued this joke mainly in the form of stealing zebra-themed things from my mom’s stash of grandkids toys (the two zebras from the Noah’s Ark set, the two ‘Z is for zebra’ blocks from the ABC building blocks, etc.) and smuggling them off to our respective apartments. This year my mom had purchased a toy nativity scene for my nieces and nephew to play with. Sundevil and I were very disappointed to see that there were no zebras in the set, and the following conversation took place:

Sundevil: Hey! There are no zebras!
Me: Yeah! How come there aren’t any zebras?
Sundevil: He loved zebras! I don’t think He would have consented to being born if there were no zebras present.
Me: Yeah, He totally loves zebras.
Faybe (my younger sister, entering the room) : Who loves zebras?
Sundevil: The Baby Jesus, of course.

Now you can’t tell me that isn’t funny.

Another conversation, held during the Monopoly game between Sundevil and Char, my other younger brother:

Char (after being sent to jail for the third time): So are you gonna give me your “Get Out of Jail Free” card?
Sundevil: I’ll give it to you for $100.
Char: Really? Yeah, okay!
Sundevil: But you can just pay $50 to get out of jail.
Char: Yeah, but with the card, it’s free!

Hee.

I love my family!